The Way to a Man's Heart
by Ridicully L
Summary: Oneshot inspired by the Tsubame x Shishio pairing in 'She is Strong' by Warg. Not as twisted as you imagine... maybe? But definitely evil. Warning: 100 percent crack. Dedicated to Beriath and Warg!


Disclaimer: If Rurouni Kenshin was mine, I would add a hot tofu pot to the Akabeko' s menu... 

_I came up with most of this fic while trying to think of a script for an animation on food. The inspiration is, of course, from Warg's "She is strong". _

_Dedicated to Beriath who introduced me to RK, and Warg who gave me this weird idea. _

Warning: Tsubame/Shishio ahead!

* * *

**The Way to a Man' s Heart**

_I wonder if coming to Kyoto has been a mistake... _gulped Tsubame, as she eyed the gigantic red lacquered doors before her.

_But there' s no turning back now... too much is at stake! _She thought. There' s Tae' s trust, Sae' s reputation, her own career, and the chance to meet Yahiko-chan again, which was what made her ask Tae for permission to transfer to the Kyoto restaurant at the beginning...

... but chief among her concerns, now, was the fact that she' d be stuck with three hundred bento take-outs if she didn' t see things through.

This sheer horror and shame of it steeled her resolve. She raised a hand to rap upon the door smartly, thrice.

"Shirobeko delivery!"

For a moment she both hoped and dreaded that she would be greeted by silence, but the answer came immediately, as a thunderous whoop:

"It' s here, it' s here!"

"Three cheers for the Shirobeko!"

"Quick! Someone get the door!"

_Ah, hungry customers... _Tsubame couldn' t help beaming. It was moments like these that make a restaurateur' s life worth living for. The door flew open, revealing a battalion of black-cloaked and black-masked men. They were all hardened warriors: degenerate ronin, lordless ninjas, fighters-for-hire, yakuza thugs and whatever else that fit the general description of "minion"--- all gathered under Shishio Makoto' s wing to raise Hell on earth...

... then again, while "the strong live, the weak die" was fine with these underlings, it was the truth of "the strong live, the weak cook dinner" that they found hard to swallow. Such a dire challenge tended to unite this unruly bunch under the democracy of "one-man, one-order" instead.

"Your three hundred bento boxes, sir!"

"You' re new, aren' t you?" Remarked one, as he helped Tsubame unload bento boxes from her cart. "Can't say I've seen you before..."

"Yes, sir!"

"Mou, mou... Sae-san always manages to find such cute help... " Said another, handing over cash carelessly.

Suddenly, the congenial chattering around Tsubame died down, and a path appeared magically through the crowd. Tsubame stared at the floor meekly. Her stomach warned her that something bad was going to happen... and it was right. An elegant-looking boot strode into the horizon of her sight and before she knew it, a strong and... hot... gloved hand had grasped her chin and forced her head up... up... to stare into two blood-red eyes and a face that was, decidedly, not one that even a mother could recognize.

"The delivery girl, isn' t it?" Crooned a voice. It was cool yet hot at the same time--- like the hissing of a serpent that had wound her in its coils. Tsubame found herself hypnotized by it. The only thing that offered some distraction was the frantic pounding of her own heart. Fortunately, Shishio soon decided to drop Tsubame and attend to a more challenging matter--- that of terrorizing his followers. He turned around.

"Lord Shishio... " His men chimed.

"May I remind you that this is a secret operation." Shishio' s voice now burned, like hot ice. "I do not allow activities that give away our location."

Tsubame watched the rowdy boys she had grown to love in such a short time hang their heads, shamefaced, before the grotesque man. She knew it... she would be sent home with three hundred bento boxes, in utter humiliation!

The entrepreneurial spirit sleeping in her awoke... there' s no way she could live it down!

"Excuse me, sir..." She spoke up timidly. "We never give away _any_ confidential information regarding our customers, sir... "

Shishio turned around sharply. One look at him made Tsubame want to faint again, but she had to finish her line. "We endeavor to give satisfaction, sir!" She squeaked.

Shishio continued to look at her strangely. Tsubame could feel her knees shaking. What did Tae tell her to do at times like these? Oh yes... SMILE!

So she did.

Shishio was mystified. He had expected the girl to go down in abject terror, begging for mercy, but here she was, smiling... unlike Soujiro' s vacant smile, though, it was a smile of quality and assurance, and it fried Shishio with a million megawatts of professional attention.

It was as if Shishio was nothing but a customer. A customer! No one had ever treated him like one before. He couldn' t walk into a bathhouse without people freaking out; he couldn' t post a letter to his Juppon-gantana at the post office without being stopped on his way as a terrorist... in short, he was denied all the mundane conveniences of civilization.

So he had to resort to force to take them. Yet here he was, slashing and burning his way to the grand goal of uniting humanity under "the strong live, the weak die" and creating a world in which every man should fend for himself... while suddenly realizing that capitalism was already at the finish line, enjoying a cool drink.

The unseen power inside this child overwhelmed him. Suddenly, he felt very small and insignificant before her. If anything, she was striving for the same goal, albeit one that would be ruled by the law of economics.

Still smiling, Tsubame eyed the man before her again. Her second impression of him was not any better than the first, but she did notice the expensive-looking silk kimono on him. Well, at least he looks like a paying customer, she thought. And isn' t there a saying that beauty' s only skin deep, anyway? Sagara Sanosuke, for all his roguish good looks and charm, was a freeloading plague. This man could beat him any day of the week. She' s sure of it!

"Sir?" Said Tsubame brightly, taking advantage of Shishio' s moment of uncertainty to use the Shirobeko's ultimate attack. "We' ll be happy to offer you a _free_ promotional bento for the unexpected inconvenience caused..."

There was a long silence during which every man squeezed his eyes shut for fear of seeing a Tsubame-shaped kebab. But Shishio seemed to deflate.

"Can I see the take-out menu?" He asked meekly.

"Sugoi! I love take-outs!" Behind him, Soujiro whooped.

"Hurray!" Cheered everyone.

Shishio Makoto could only sigh at the collective betrayal.

* * *

(At the Shirobeko restaurant, a while later...) 

"You did WHAT?" A shriek tore through the Shirobeko.

Sae smiled at the white-faced girl before her. "Well you know Kaoru-chan, I just wanted to give Ken-san a little... help." She explained. "Why, I never suspected that my best customers are Ken-san' s enemies! They' re quite nice to Tsubame though, thank god! If only you had told us earlier..."

"But still!" Wailed Kaoru. "What you did was... unethical!"

"Hush, Kaoru-chan... it's nothing, really!" Sae waved a hand good-naturedly. "The way you' re yelling, people' d think I'm a murderess of some sort! All I did was put a little something... _extra_... in their bento boxes." Sae' s smiling new-moon eyes betrayed a maniacal gleam. "They' ll be hugging the outhouse for hours, that' s all."

When Sae heard from Kaoru that some bastard called Shishio had tried to burn Kyoto to the ground, she knew she had to act. Sure, it's tough for her to lose a valued customer like Shishio-san, but there were times when one had to think of the big picture...

Of course her restaurant was insured, but she suspected that Kyoto becoming a raging inferno wouldn' t exactly be good for business.

Kaoru looked somewhat relieved. "Wait a minute..." She frowned. "Kenshin' s supposed to fight with Shishio _today_..."

* * *

(On Mount Hiei, at the end of the pathway of six arches) 

"Shishio Makoto!" Cried one redhead outside the closed doors. "As promised, sessha has come to settle what we started at Shingetsu. Show yourself, that you should!"

He was met only by an uncomfortable silence.

"Are you sure we' ve come to the right place?" Said Sanosuke dubiously.

"I told you we should have nailed him on board the Rengoku." Sulked Saitou. They had already waited for 15 minutes. His patience might be infinite, but his cigarettes weren't. "He must have decided that taking over Japan is more important than fighting with you."

"We should go in and check, that we should... "

**The End**

* * *

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future." 

_- Galadriel to Frodo, Lord of the Rings_

_And, most importantly..._

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach."


End file.
